Saturday, April 10, 2010

Slacker Summer Tips

Summer Slacker Tip #1: Buy a pair of peep-toed shoes. Your feet will look summery, but only your big toe has to be presentable. But you should be aware that this trick is somewhat less than effective if you proceed to announce your slackeryness to all your coworkers and remove your feet from your shoes to show them how ugly your toes REALLY are. Confession is good for the soul, but it certainly does make your feet look bad. (See how I sidestepped the very tempting soul/sole joke? Puns: I wouldn’t do that to you.)

Slacker Summer Tip #2: Never pay more than 3 bucks for a pair of sunglasses. You'll never be upset again when you sit on them in the car or your child pulls an earpiece off or you leave them at a friend's. My sister adds that this tip is also helpful if your daughter "accidentally sat on them over and over until they made a crack noise." Ah, my little niece, my namesake: I am so proud.

Summer Slacker Tip #3: Order your swimsuit online. Let me assure you: even if you have to deal with the post office to return a few frogs, it’ll be worth it when you find your prince. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don’t advocate mail-order spouses. Or amphibians.)

I went to Target once to try on bathing suits. I found a cute tankini. Curiously, no bottoms were attached, presumably because Target has a delightful collection of “mix-and-match” suits, also known as “we’re pretty sure you’ll buy the whole bleepin’ thing once you’ve gone to the trouble to find an actual match” suits. I don’t know what y’all have been doing, but apparently you Target regulars have angered the Clothing Gods. But I digress. I put on this cute top, which was my usual size, according to the hanger. (Rule 1: Never listen to the hanger. Hangers are lying liars. Who lie.) I had a bit of trouble getting it on but persevered.

It was somehow...Not Right. My breasts were smashed in there like I’d grown a couple of cup sizes, but my stomach was covered with yards and yards of fabric. Clearly, I was tiny! A tiny little miniscule woman with a tiny little miniscule waist! And huge ginormous breasts! I WAS A FIVE-FOOT TALL BARBIE, Y’ALL! And yet I still looked…Not Right. Decidedly Not Right, in fact. I took it off and checked the size. It was a size smaller than usual (woot)! And also a maternity suit (not woot!) So. Now I order online. Where I can find suits for women who are not currently gestating. And subsequently cry privately.

Summer Slacker Tip #4: Turn your oven off. Well, I mean, not if you’ve got a chicken baking in there right now or something. If there’s something IN there, then let it finish, take it out, and THEN turn off your oven. OK, good. Well done. Now leave it off until it gets cool outside again. That’ll be about October down here.

Now, don’t ask me what you’re gonna eat for the next several months, because you already know the answer: either eat it raw or get somebody else to cook it. As a general rule, fruits and vegetables will fit into that first category. However, I personally frown upon eating meat raw, which I realize makes me Extremely Unsophisticated. But I have a very good reason for my aversion: the texture skeeves me out. Now if that isn’t a classy enough justification for you, then maybe you’re just a snob, and I’m not sure we should be friends.

So for meats, you’re really gonna need somebody else to cook. I’d recommend any of your local fine dining establishments (and even the ones that are not so fine). But if you can con a man into firing up a grill on your behalf, that’s even better. Look, I know women are perfectly capable of grilling. However! I have a cultivated ignorance of outdoor cooking, and I would like to keep it that way. There’s still a chance I could someday date a man who is willing to grill, and I do not want to ruin my shot at getting a 7-month break from cooking just because of some equal-opportunity nonsense.

The best part of this slacker tip is that it keeps your house cool, which lowers your energy consumption, which both saves you money and makes you environmentally conscious. Dang, I just love it when the green movement turns my slacking and cheapness into something noble, don’t you? Just remember to take that chicken out before you start being noble, mmmkay?

Summer Slacker Tip #5: Become one with your paleness. Embrace it. Love it. Take it home to meet his mama. Make copious references to the era when pale skin was hip so that you sound historically informed and not just slackerly. A few references to skin cancer and “all those chemicals they put in self-tanner” will also make you sound medically informed and conceal your true slackerly motives.

Summer Slacker Tip #6: Eat lots of ice cream and popsicles. Do it in the name of cooling off. But just between you and me, everybody knows it’s just because they taste good.

1 comment:

  1. Stumbled across your blog! Love this post!!

    ReplyDelete