Friday, May 14, 2010

World Domination

I found the following when I cleaned up my 3-year-old’s art table.  Should I be concerned?

To-Do: Take over the World

Step 1.  Eat lots of carbohydrates and protein.  Pasta and rice will give quick energy for hand-to-hand combat.  Cheese sticks will help me maintain my lean muscle mass if food stores become scarce.  Vegetables and fruits are fibrous and result in bowel movements.  Bowel movements will only slow me down.  Besides, broccoli is for sissies.

Status: Excellent.  My plan is working.  I have subsisted on nothing but noodles and mozzarella (and the king of all foods, macaroni and cheese) for 2 years now.

Step 2. Perfect my hand-eye coordination.  Coordination is necessary not just for one-on-one battle but also for all sorts of technology: computer operation, driving, flying.  This is an ongoing process and one of the keys to my ultimate success. 

Status: Good.  I have come a long way from the days of being unable to grasp my own Rattling Device, but coordinating my hand movements with the motion of a computer mouse has proven trickier than originally thought.  I can operate scissors with relative ease, however.  Must continue to resist the temptation to cut my own hair, lest The Mother remove the blades from my reach.

Step 3.  Wear The Mother down.  She is the only thing standing between me and world domination.  Others will fall like dominoes in a line if (WHEN!) I am able to accomplish this feat.

Status: Fair.
  This has proven more difficult than originally anticipated.  The Mother is short in stature but has an exceedingly strong will at times, stronger than I would like.  Perhaps her bones are made of titanium or similar.  Denying her sleep appears to be the key to her destruction, though this strategy is problematic for my own health as well.  My recent strategy of climbing into her bed at 3 a.m. seems the best compromise: I sleep sideways in the bed, with my head on her torso.  I awaken fully refreshed; she awakens exhausted.  This plan appears to be working.


  1. Baahahahahahha. Go J, it's your birthday, go J, you're gonna win.

  2. Denying mamas their well-deserved sleep is surely the key to total domination. Has she been talking to J.D. about this? Must. not. let. them. win.

  3. sounds like every toddler's list!!!

  4. Your blog is full of so much good advice! Thanks for sharing!